I am I must say outraged. I am outraged and I shall have satisfaction. I have, it is fair to say, several valid reasons for such distaste. Having had my column so violently stolen from me by a Dhe Ehmn last issue, I am uncertain what to believe or how to feel for this issue. It is as if I am merely some puppet and am disposable to matters of his convenience. Naturally, of course, that means I shall proceed apace but I do so grudgingly. This, however, is not the source of my outrage.

 

I have recently become aware of certain allegations swirling around about my good nature that I must say I find highly offensive. People have intimated that I serve the Devourer, that I am his twin. That I change form and possess people. That my mantle on my home world somehow is relevant to the work I do as Loremaster. People have intimated that I do not like combat or that I fear the sword. That I disappear to avoid unpleasantness and always at a critical juncture. Such allegations cast most serious aspersions on my character. They have interpreted my disappearances at what they deem critical junctures as code for things entirely unjustified. This, too, though is not the nexus of my dismay.

 

The matter is this. There is a certain being who is entertaining a delusion of the highest order, though I have rendered serious service to his family in the past on more then one occasion. He believes it prudent to impugn my worth for his own self-aggrandizement. I always collect my debts. Generally, however, I allow them to go dormant for a millennia or two before calling them in. For his brother I believe I shall still wait a time, but for him?! His audacity is quite astonishing. The inferences he has painted are the height of insult!

 

Naturally I speak of Zorbak! Zorbak-- who has recently written in these hallowed pages-- has overreached greatly.

 

Why is there so little Zorbak in the E-Zine? In case you aren't aware, I'M the franchise around these parts. Everyone loves Zorbak. Notice that you don't see a “Falerin goes to the Con” picture page, or an “Ask Cyrus” animated feature on Ebilgames.com. There's a reason for this...

 

Of course there is a reason. We have far more pressing matters to deal with than smiling for a photo op or having our virtual selves animated for pithy amusement. We cannot be bothered to spend our time with yet another plot to ruin holiday cheer for everyone. We are far more engaged by more serious pursuits. Even Kabroz has far to much time for these things, as he is busy doing serious plotting and ruining my beachside vacations with Galrick. I might point out to Zorbak the company that he is in. There is another moglin that holds a similar distinction to himself of being always included in such meaningless extracurriculars. Twilly goes to the Con, too, Zorbak. Twilly goes to the Con, too. Twilly, if anything, has more claim. After all, he manages to mysteriously engage in colocation during almost every major conflict on...

 

Ah, there was an issue here. What was it? Now, I recall how it pains me to say this but I am told that the reformed era spelling used by locals is Battlogna. Somehow my mind revolts at this new spelling. I suspect it has to do with that nearly immortal paladin Artix in some unforeseen way I cannot remember. No, I simply cannot and will not, I will at least in my own mind and in my conversations stick to the lost spelling of Battleonia. I digress.

 

The gauntlet has been thrown down and I have this to say to that annoying blue moglin. If he wants more Zorbak, he can get off his lazy duff and provide such articles himself. That is how we get inclusion around here.

 

The Zardian, after all, has a fairly open submission policy. Which goes for any aspirant Lorian authors as well.

 

As Zorbak needs a dose, I shall provide this recipe of Humble Pie. A dish from the country-side of the United Kingdoms of England and Ireland on Terra that used, at one point, the “’umbles, or the least desirable parts of meat. This version is an interesting variant of savory and sweet and is far removed from those 'umble beginnings borrowing flavors from the rich Moroccan pastiya.”

 

Humble Pie ala Falerin

 

1 batch of your favorite pie crust recipe (extra flaky recommended, if more ambitious try overlapping puff pastry as a crust)

or 1 prepared pie crust top and bottom

1 pound coarsely ground meat [beef or lamb]

1 pound lean beef or lamb [minced into small cubes] (I recommend the opposite meat of the type you have ground for layers of flavor)

2 shallots, diced

1 small sweet onion, diced

1 clove garlic, diced

1 small green chili or jalapeno [diced finely after seeded and pith removed] (The smoked Chipotle is also a good choice here, substitute

a smoke habanero for more bite)

1 quarter cup Golden raisins

1 quarter cup Thompson raisins

1 quarter cup dried cranberries

1 quarter cup dried blueberries or dried cherries

8 medium dried prunes, rough-chopped

1 teaspoon five spice powder

1 pinch salt (coarse kosher recommended)

1 pinch black pepper (fresh cracked recommended)

1 tablespoon honey (The honey used will slightly alter the flavor profile. I recommend a dark-colored honey, but clover honey will do)

1 quarter cup smoked almonds, chopped

3 tablespoons cilantro chopped (If you are one of those unfortunate few that finds due to genetics that cilantro tastes soapy or fetid

you may omit this but I definitely prefer it's inclusion)

1/3 cup olive oil (Extra virgin olive oil is definitely not suitable here; use a lower grade for its enhanced smoke point)

1/2 cup orange juice

Confectioners Sugar

Cinnamon

 

Add olive oil to a preheated frying pan. Add garlic, onion and pepper and fry for 2 minutes. Add meat and fry more 2 minutes. Add raisins, prunes, honey, five spice powder, orange juice, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil and cook 1 minute. Reduce heat and simmer for 3 minutes or until liquid is reduced 50 percent in volume. Add almonds and cilantro, mix well.

Allow the meat mixture to cool before filling the pie shell and covering with top crust. There is no need to flute the pie crust or score it; this is meant to be a rustic-looking dish.

 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees Farenheit (200 degrees Celcius). Bake until golden brown.

 

Dust liberally with confectioners sugar and cinnamon. Serve warm.